Another Tramp

Forever the other woman,
My nerves are a straw wrapper
Tied in a knot and snapped in two,
The knot always on the left.
For I have had many of them
Despite children, wives
I have listened and supported and
Flailed wildly.
Two hours of mock commitment
At a time,
Bastard child of lust and validation
She never made me feel this
Way, he tells me.
Despite morals and doubts each
Finds me again or maybe a
New broken home will lie
Between my shaking thighs,
How do they find me
Pursue with blind, playful
Confidence, whether he
Offers the unrealistic or
Pounces with earnest truth of
No future between us.
Somewhere along the line
I gave in and each time
It is a little easier,
Like a teenager unable to
Taste the vodka in her third stiff drink.
I may be happy but this lipstick
Stained collar is
Not happiness.

June 18, 03

Face reality

To wake from a dream
Where I dreamt of flying
Is like trying to jump
After getting off a trampoline
The real world crashes down
Upon me every morning
Begin to avoid sleep to avoid
A false reality more appealing
Than the waking moments
Which haunt me in comparison

I fail to catch my breath, base
Decisions on this waking prison
Live my life after dark to mimic
Subconscious thought
Feel as I whirl in daylight, arms outstretched,
That nothing whizzing by my eyes
Exists, for I cannot focus
I do not want to

Last night I laid in your strong
Arms again, last night
I danced unabashedly, last night
I soared over the treetops
I loved I lived I laughed

Then I woke.

June 15, 03

OCD

Words just aren’t enough like
A few more nicks left after the
Band-Aid box is empty
The bathroom floor is wet
From a calculated shower,
No more tears, no splashes on
The counter
Cloudy mirror like my mask
Martyr less lengths

I fall asleep expecting
Less from you drunk and
Waiting for your arrival
Miss your touch like new
Unpadded carpet
Pick you like fresh basil to
Season my life

I watch you exfoliate past
Fucks to continue us with integrity
Pick my teeth after a bad movie
While you watch
And watch you pee
Bare compassion to repress
Less than tedious menace

I’m a child full of giggles
Run from the bulls of commitment
And amuse myself with your
Hard on
I’m beautiful with bruises on
My knees

May 20, 03

Entrepreneur

Give the government
15 bucks for
The right to make
$
And
Get a free
Pen

May 10, 03

Too many

I possibly search for an architecture
Of challenge
Create more in my mind
Emotions like PMS, tripping through
A dance of questions
About us

More girly than I am
Drunk off too much you but I’m
Not becoming sick
The next morning I’m not hung over
Just thirstier

Drink sand to keep from
Smothering you
No longer
Gulp down cheap well drinks
Of other men
Never forgetting your taste
And texture

If I had the balls I’d
Tell my mother that you’re
The one

April 15, 03

To be wealthy

People who are generous will never be rich
Yet I do not fight them
I have no stronger confidants
Lose us, saddle us, bridle us unwillingly
Like a stable that knows no unknowns

December 13, 02

Nailbiting

Avoid a massive reproduction
Deny obligatory style
I will only grasp success as myself
But to be like those
Who succeed I feel obliged to plagiarize
Never again create
Use a formula, squeeze my own words in
Pressure forms like a hemorrhage
I need to drain other authors from my mind
Prefabricated ideas and processes are a
Hematoma of the skull that has now
drained as far as my cheeks
Will it affect my tongue? Or pen?
Force myself to continue and something
Lies inky on the page
Maybe not what I intended, maybe no inspiration
But forced poetry creates truth unwittingly
Once in a while a line shines out as a ring
On my right thumb basks in the auburn
Bar light

December 13, 02