Relief

Morbid, I ache
and still I feign peace
Widow of Hunger
my plight for perfection
distant presence to my heart
yet not my strength, or mind
yearns, gaging my will, but
I will wait, I will provide
myself answers
though still I wonder
certain I will not convince;
But you must. When again
joining my presence, no longer
distant. Truths your heart
tells mine openly. Intriguing
deeper questions from...
Aug 25, 1998

Goodbye.

my body feels this strange warmth right now...
the kind you feel when you know someone is staring at you
even though i know you aren't behind me
this calm has come over me
as if i could burst and everything would just gush out
but maybe that can't happen without an audience...
why would one cry except because someone is watching?
that's how i feel sometimes...
as if it would be a waste to show emotion
to no one
i think i'm sinking into the cushion of my chair
i can't feel anything around me anymore except this chair
and my heartbeat
detached and restless, not like this calm cradling me
i hope i break simply to wash you away
dammit. why don't i want to release you?
this is my dead end where you left me
Aug 21, 1998

How Could You Ask Me That?

i just woke up to the smell of you
although i found nothing with your scent
it haunts my nights because i wish
i was holding you

despite the fact that it is 3:29 am
and exhaustion is fighting my senses,
it is overcome by thoughts of tomorrow,
missing you, the empty room down the hall,
and your warm lips

seeing you was my reason to get out
of bed every morning
and this morning, i am afraid because
waking up will mean you are leaving me

strange how i dread the very hour i look
forward to because i will hold you again
knowing it is closer to the end
i pray that it is also a beginning

you have been so much more to me than
a boyfriend or lover or soulmate
you have become my best friend
and i will always love you for that as much
or more than i love you because you are part of me

i don't know how to say goodbye to you
i don't believe (or don't want to believe)
that it will be goodbye, but rather,
a physical separation that cannot keep me from your warmth.

your song touched me much like all of your songs do
and much like your fingertips and lips do
thank you for us-- what we were and what we will be
i will never forget, i will never regret, and i will
never lose that piece of you
Aug 14, 1998

Visiting Daddy

Next week I think I'm coming home
No decision made yet, you know I can never make up my mind.
My presence doesn't affect you, and that bothers me.
Ask me to come home, tell me you miss me.
My duffle bag packed, and my shoes tied,
just in case you drive me away.
I doubt you care that much. Hate is not worse than apathy.
It won't matter someday, once I am apathetic,
but now homecoming occupies my thoughts.
She wouldn't approve. You never have.
Between the two, seeking acceptance, wanting consent.
Maybe when my afternoon class is over,
I'll take the long way to look
at the front porch where i used to swing.
If you are there, will you beckon to me to join you?
I'll probably stay here so I will never have to discover
whether you would raise your hand to wave me over.
July 30, 1998

Runway Runaway

She jumps at the chance
to present her face to the crowd
her body hardly covered
although revealing, she's proud
watching from the audience
the girl envies her big sister
but she's always gone on the road
the girl can't help but miss her
she will follow in the footsteps
already set by her kin
loving attention,
but violated within
if big sister had known
what would follow that audition
bring her weight and heart down
force her into submission
she would never have left
in seek of great fame
now her sister is trapped
and she has herself to blame.
July 30, 1998

New

All summer long I reveled in my well-thought new heart
not sure of your intention but I wanted the truth
I trust this lack of confidence as I trust you
This is how things begin.

Without anyone, I feel lost. Maybe just lonely.
Distraction good enough for awhile
Now distracted from my distraction, my heart confused.
Bring me back to that place of freedom and trust.
Naivete.
July 30, 1998

Morning Before Work

Rusty showerhead pouring liquid over my frame,
Singing while restless soul rinses away.
Pull back the mildewed curtain; press your lips to mine.
Powerful shadows follow your decay.
Green walls of the downtown apartment shadowed by you.
Please peel away your walls like the paint
peeling on mine litters the brown burbur
Cotton towel hides my body from your modest glance
barefoot tread toward you in your worn armchair
curl myself in the beam of pale morning light which shines
on your lap through faded draperies
Envisioning our future, devoid of well-worn fibers
Late for work, ignoring the time, cherishing your cheap cologne,
loving you although your aspiration has lost stimulation.
July 24, 1998

Absence

Where are you?
I trusted that you would be home an hour ago
they did too
at four ones, my desire is to hear your voice
this is the forty-eighth only because you have one in the middle
which i ask you to possess,
send me a copy and a note if you don't call
why am i anticipating the phone's ring or a knock on my door?
news of her lately promising
tell me about her, tell me about yourself
longing for your voice, i script my thoughts
listening to the melody, i yearn for yours
the guitar in suspense lonely on the bed
my state of mind misses you, and i want you with me
July 17, 1998

Without Them

Forever tripping over the remains
the result and destination appear quicker
when nothing blocks the trail along the ravine
prayer for written word
the list has already been created
absent of the name sought
glance again to make sure because sight
may have been insufficient
not before loneliness without previous company
sets in
they traverse the winding chasm
loneliness with present company
realization of comfort right here alone
sets in
they are unnecessary
July 16, 1998

Lyrics

You are worth my time
and my worry
i have decided
i do not know if i am worth yours
you consume my thoughts regardless
my car is broken down on the shoulder
of the highway
i would rather rest on your shoulder
but you are not with me
leaning my head back,
i envision your visage
your smile,
and bob of your head when happy
sitting in the car
i imagine you in the hallway
on the floor
playing for me
your lyrics fill my head
i want to hear your music also
i turn the radio dial
but it is silent unlike my
dreams of us
July 15, 1998

Jerk

You need to stop talking
you only upset me and push me farther
you're not a jerk
but i want to believe that you are
it would be easier
i need to stop listening
would you notice?
if i blocked you out, you could
do no more damage to me
to yourself or my opinion of you
You need to stop talking
maybe then i would miss you and
remember how much you really
mean to me
because you're not a jerk
July 15, 1998

Hand

I thought that mothers hold their children
my mother's hand should be in mine
because she is my mother
but her hand doesn't hold me
or my hand
it slaps my face with the force of her
anger and alcohol behind it
but i don't blame her
nor myself because i know it is her way
may it never become my way
i hear her angered voice on the phone that
she holds in that hand
her anger directed toward the world
not her boyfriend
and not even toward me, but i am here now
we need each other in love and life
in a way i am hers just as she is mine
her hand is mine also
at least a part of me and what i will become
maybe more what i promise never
to replay
July 15, 1998

Tonight

I dreamt I spied reflection
upon my sixth story window.
Surprised, I watched a moment
then with awe.
The feeling swelled within me as
mistaken I crept closer.
And suddenly the moon I
clearly saw.
There is something for those
who take the message left for granted.
The beams stream through cotton
curtains to my bed.
But, the night is not spent thinking
thoughts of only you.
To dream of you tonight
or him instead...
July 10, 1998

For J

Blatantly imagine the turn you could have taken
purposely compose those pictures in your mind
I cannot forget the places I have traveled
you are very lucky that you can leave those thoughts behind

Once upon a long-lost time I tried to please the crowd
but they never noticed I was there
You had hoped that things would work out differently than this
now somehow you've learned how not to care

That night is gone and I've gone away
You're just a thought- I didn't ask you to stay
and I'm thinking about later on...
I don't care what happened yesterday
no regrets...

Now you're older and seem colder than you treated me
The sands of time fall faster than you do
I have seen you stumble and grasp for surrounding air
Just another memory to forget to you.

That night is gone and I've gone away
You're just a thought - didn't ask you to stay
and I'm thinking about later on...
I don't care what happened yesterday
no regrets...

Think back to the time, do you want to move on?
My strength comes from today and not from yesterday...

That night is gone and I've gone away
You're just a thought - didn't ask you to stay
and I'm thinking about later on...
I don't care what happened yesterday
no regrets...

I'm not going back, my throne is right here waiting
the King of my own world I plan to be
Do I miss the past as much as I miss summer?
Without the winter chill my soul is free.
July 7, 1998

To Break Free

Beneath the violated limbs I sleep.
The hour late, and I cannot help but to bring reservations.
My marionette actions ignored purposely;
they must not be recalled later.
Although useful, I appear worthless in flight.
Lift me above worth, above stretched suppression.
To the stars with my wings, infinitely beyond these branches.
The stardust filters past my feathers.
I resist the atmosphere; the swirling clouds block the view of home.
Greater pressure, more strength
lone will must be enough without apprehension.
I fly, I soar...
My cage now forgotten.
July 1, 1998

Judgement

Wisely, I am not the world's whore.
Therefore, I am not yours.
Sometimes I wish you were no longer here anymore,
you might revel in the freedom.
When I reach the end of the corridor,
you may not be there.
Dangerously, I would miss you.
Others know what is best for me.
I ponder their omnipotence.
Usually, I long to agree,
however, you are wrong.
When darkness falls on the moment of truth,
I measure by my judgment.
Written as if all were aloof,
I push you out of my mind with words.
Laying on my resting place of thorns,
I roll over to your likeness.
From the world my heart has been torn,
Therefore, I am not yours.
July 1, 1998

Youth

Too early
Maybe not long enough for you.
Time passes, but discollaborated and weak,
I miss your presence,
much like her.

Is it her? Or the date?
or me?
I hope I cannot blame the latter.
although it probably will never matter.
I'm letting go of dreams I had hoped to gather,
I know I must.

Soon I will be old,
often the cause of change.
My heart is slowly growing cold;
I don't want to let go...
I will be aware of the world;
I hope also of you.

Innocence is fresh for you;
I'm remembering and reenacting.
My beliefs and hopes are true,
although futile.

Faded, inaccurate images of union
draw my attention to the door.
Incomplete emotions
fall to the floor.

I'm holding the memory close to my existence
although you are only a part of the memory now.
Importance depends upon the instance,
and you instantly touched my soul...
June 31, 1998

People Watching

a job with nothing to do
mind racing trying to
think of something to
occupy time
leaving-pretending to
go somewhere important
to waste away an hour
or more
dinner break will be
a long one
maybe i'll also leave
early
but what will mom
think if i'm home?
hidden behind a large
display so I am
not on display again
like last time
like every time at
a job with nothing to do
a rainy day when hair
is important
getting a chair so my
legs will not ache so
praying that an hour
will fade quickly
writing to get rid of
more time at
a job with nothing to do
talk to the good-looking
man who works at the
store in the office-
the one i asked for the chair
cardboard surrounding me
a setup with a girl much more
beautiful than i-
and better hair
talking to scary workers
and old men
and young guys
who tell me she has better hair,
but i'm beautiful
and i'm working too
hard because i'm at
a job with nothing to do
someone save me from the
stockboy! maybe i
have become snobby
modeling (even if it is pro-mo)
scared of these people
with stupid comments
"are you giving manicures today?"
thinking that they should
leave please go away
only old women- do they
use pantene?
one woman with an elder-fro
asking if i sell anything made for white hair
sure i do
i'll go find it because i'm working at
a job with nothing to do
1998