Fix It

Wordless and spotless we scrub
At each other’s wounds as if
Friction will heal them
The cynical sisters weave
Bandages and cover blemishes
No one sees

I now suffer from a miscarriage
Of the brain
I hemorrhage brilliance
Wonder where your influence
Lost itself
Nov. 13, 2003

Q and the next door neighbors

To avoid a scene
Avoid massive reproduction
Of emotion
To avoid a lesson
Avoid melding of minds
Thought of any kind
Articulate what you know
Without ever enunciating
To the point of verbal legibility
Mark my words and hold hands
Maybe the world will revolve
Around you both
Maybe the world will end
Maybe nothing will change
It never does
Oct. 14, 2003

Stormy Forth

We massed at the sliding glass doors
Careful to remain still – lest they spring open
Letting in the torrents of dust
The sheets of water felt like an
Event for me
Like welcoming home a new baby from
The hospital
The wind wailing, I expected Toto any second
July 4, 2003

Rendezvous

I followed his car with inappropriate intentions
My thoughts glaringly obvious
Lustful like an emotional recitation
He no longer takes my breath away,
He knocks the wind out of me
One rendezvous at a time
July 4, 2003

To Flip Through the Pages of Vogue

This life is almost entirely fictitious
We all hang in a delicate balance
My sweater is too loose,
Her lips to thin
It all bucks and arches to the point of panic
Don’t make me secrete more information
Than you can handle
Blessed be those who hear
Aim to be one who sees
Because my sight extends beyond
Silicone and Botox and collagen

A straight razor to the wrist
Might do some more good, but not you
I’ve started to consider a cattle prod
In the face to wake Them all up
As though you attached a lightening rod
To bring good graces your way
All I feel is the electric current
Of voyeuristic absence

You pushed so hard for that big break
I turned down indecent proposals,
Although you urged me
To use Them for us, for US
But I loved you too much
We’ll never get discovered in this
Sickly violet fluorescent light
My suit rumpled, baggy
And yours suggestively tight

“We could be better than this”
she yawns, obstinate, pouting ineffectively
her lips like thin pink ribbons
glossed to perfection, devoid of injection
I gathered her in my arms and pressed those
Lips with a freshly manicured index finger
A tear and a cheek and we felt we had failed
Already, at 18
Why not let go the hold on imagined perfection
Let our lips press gently, hold each other all night?
Because
If I am not enough for all of Them
How can I fill you?

I grew up with the sense that my
Future was like my breasts
Small, taut, so full of possibility with
Maturity that never developed
Her erratic breathing each night
Spurred thoughts that my life
Was more greatly in need of augmentation
And she clung to me
Both in passionate, fingernailed embrace
And in searching silence on the train
As if she believed me her lucky charm,
My smile of approval her salvation
Our successes inevitable,
If I merely said so.

One night in April I left her
Helpless, erratic in our bed
Sought one of Them out, undressed,
Climaxed, and left my
Comp card conspicuously, hauntingly
Beside him on the pillow
I let her believe he had discovered me
While walking in the park
A fluke, good fortune
And it was – for us, for US

Augmented life bounced forth a
Cleavage of deceit, They were all the
Same, I used each of Them while
Keeping her clear in my mind –
Remember? I could see.
The future, our future, her hips, the
Light on her shoulders, nipples
She and I in this together
She profited inexplicably, trustingly
I could completely forget each of Them
Beneath me
Bright futures, bright eyes, thick lips
And big tits
You and I, a spread in Glamour, plastic,
Airbrushed, fictitious
Just as our lives had become.


July 4, 2003

Another Tramp

Forever the other woman,
My nerves are a straw wrapper
Tied in a knot and snapped in two,
The knot always on the left.
For I have had many of them
Despite children, wives
I have listened and supported and
Flailed wildly.
Two hours of mock commitment
At a time,
Bastard child of lust and validation
She never made me feel this
Way, he tells me.
Despite morals and doubts each
Finds me again or maybe a
New broken home will lie
Between my shaking thighs,
How do they find me
Pursue with blind, playful
Confidence, whether he
Offers the unrealistic or
Pounces with earnest truth of
No future between us.
Somewhere along the line
I gave in and each time
It is a little easier,
Like a teenager unable to
Taste the vodka in her third stiff drink.
I may be happy but this lipstick
Stained collar is
Not happiness.

June 18, 03

Face reality

To wake from a dream
Where I dreamt of flying
Is like trying to jump
After getting off a trampoline
The real world crashes down
Upon me every morning
Begin to avoid sleep to avoid
A false reality more appealing
Than the waking moments
Which haunt me in comparison

I fail to catch my breath, base
Decisions on this waking prison
Live my life after dark to mimic
Subconscious thought
Feel as I whirl in daylight, arms outstretched,
That nothing whizzing by my eyes
Exists, for I cannot focus
I do not want to

Last night I laid in your strong
Arms again, last night
I danced unabashedly, last night
I soared over the treetops
I loved I lived I laughed

Then I woke.

June 15, 03

OCD

Words just aren’t enough like
A few more nicks left after the
Band-Aid box is empty
The bathroom floor is wet
From a calculated shower,
No more tears, no splashes on
The counter
Cloudy mirror like my mask
Martyr less lengths

I fall asleep expecting
Less from you drunk and
Waiting for your arrival
Miss your touch like new
Unpadded carpet
Pick you like fresh basil to
Season my life

I watch you exfoliate past
Fucks to continue us with integrity
Pick my teeth after a bad movie
While you watch
And watch you pee
Bare compassion to repress
Less than tedious menace

I’m a child full of giggles
Run from the bulls of commitment
And amuse myself with your
Hard on
I’m beautiful with bruises on
My knees

May 20, 03

Entrepreneur

Give the government
15 bucks for
The right to make
$
And
Get a free
Pen

May 10, 03

Too many

I possibly search for an architecture
Of challenge
Create more in my mind
Emotions like PMS, tripping through
A dance of questions
About us

More girly than I am
Drunk off too much you but I’m
Not becoming sick
The next morning I’m not hung over
Just thirstier

Drink sand to keep from
Smothering you
No longer
Gulp down cheap well drinks
Of other men
Never forgetting your taste
And texture

If I had the balls I’d
Tell my mother that you’re
The one

April 15, 03