Coated

Syrup through which your throat can no longer painfully hack
Cat fur tickle still there penetrating consciousness
Marked, what is still there under drug induced comfort
Like any medicinal utopia that numbs:
Sinuses -- or in my case -- mind
And I never really forget you, the tickle in the back of my throat
Like a cocaine drip, or too much Ritalin
Crushed up in a spoon or with a credit card
Mixed with sugar and water unless a low-carb diet requires
That it go up a nostril. But back to ny-quil
Just as good, but safer. Leaves all those chemicals
Up there, where they were -- same thing really:
Still feel bad and just don't know it
Courageous efforts to fix me undaunted because
I really like this legal high that I disbelieved
For so long. Liberating dependence upon a will
That is not mine and a cough that won't go away.
Dec. 28, 1999

Breakwater

Sometimes I hate her; I wish her away
Just too much to drink, but that's that
And I'm already on my way
Back to my prison where she keeps me
With funds and hopes without
Regard for genius in the family
There can't be two. I think about
All my aspirations, to accomplish but
Where is the line drawn between
Mine and theirs? Worn out, drawn out
Kicked out. No one on which to lean.
What can I kick on my floor tonight?
I'm too tired tonight, Christmas, to put up a fight.
Dec. 26, 1999

Faces

Are they all avoiding controversy just as I seek it?
Do those taking medicines for their fears of others
Want to offer me some so I'll break away?
I chose to surround myself with more like you.
I need them to be me. Wondering where I hope to
Attend the new lives I've created for each of you.
Tomorrow your nose will be different,
Tomorrow
Your father will create a new you because you haven't
Done it yet. Faced with a choice, would you make
This one? With no choice, I know I would. Your
School picture stares happily, blankly at my face as
I type, and I visualize the new you, the improved you,
As I wish I could improve myself. The easy way out.
This is as everything is. Money and opportunity. Never
Inspiration or drive, you don't need those things to
Become better between everyone crowded around.
What will they believe at school? What do you want
Them to believe, and how can I follow?
Dec. 17, 1999

Empty Suitcase

I'm suffocating as I'm sitting here
And she just walked upstairs to find
You because you called to her.
I want you to call to me and not
Leave the country or my heart
Behind because a part of me
Really likes the dislocating spiral
Your desperate, deliberate, difficulty
Sent me down. Without warning
And after denial and before I
Could disagree or displace it all
And now its gone anyway. I felt
It last night, and the day before.
Usually that's what happens when
There was nothing there to begin with
Except for lust and loneliness.
Dec. 15, 99

8:00 Wed. Evening

Battered brain lumbers to auditorium A
Social constructions and missed rendezvous
Mixed because my head is separating terms
20 hours depleted by food and the telephone
never enough. 42 hours without
depletion
insanity. True, the point of surrender
drops quickly
Dec. 8, 1999

Semester

Dave Matthews disrupts the quiet
Which is necessary to study, much like avoiding a kiss
My mind is frantic like a riot
Because I want to stay with you and reduce our abyss
The snow covers all of the barren trees
And I will miss you during more snows, delayed until June
I feel a shudder in my knees
Holding on, lengthening this short night, knowing that soon
Your life will form crystal
Shining in a new life with new classes and new people in a London bar
You've cocked the hammer of a pistol
To temporarily wound the life with Preoccupations over which your heart has brooded
Now there is too little time, I've concluded.
Dec. 7, 1999

Another Party

You broke your foot instead of the radiator.
Maybe you fractured your pride also.
Throwing punches at the wall or innocents.
Phone calls from her to you, or you to me.
I'm cold for a purpose. Don't feign misunderstanding.
The social situation always claims you.
Nov. 11, 99

Outerwear

I found her in the hall closet
Of my sorority where she was
Abandoned-probably because
She is unattractive, but she
Is reversible.

She still reminded me of stale
Beer and cloves-I knew she
wouldn't mind more. She
Guarded me to Canada and
The Pub with the big dumpster
Outside.

Really I hoped no one wanted
Her because I wanted her
Warmth on the walk home. And
Because she would sit alone,
Saving my seat.

I don't let her in my room
With her strengthened beer
And cigarette stench and
The strange mixture of cologne
With vomit-I had to help
Him home-he was sick.

She even has a hood; when
It becomes colder I'm sure
I'll appreciate her without
Wondering who will notice that
She is green and blue. I'm
Jealous of her loyalty.
Nov. 11, 99

Stalking

The sun bathes my face
And I reach for my cat
Who bathes her own.
She's learned that the fall
Could rob her of playful pounce.
She purrs in the warm beams.

The fly she shoots toward
Buzzes up with anger from
Its shingle, and she
Indignantly pads back to
The window-it is, after all-
An often site of flies.

She lands in my bedroom
And stalks toward a cottonball
Under my vanity; my cue to
Leave the front porch roof.
Nov. 10, 99

Next Steps

Searching the clouded terrain below,
I distinguish myself from brush and stone.
Not certain how I hover,
As I sit atop this damp, powderful throne,
And watch.

Your back to my retreat from single
Pieces of the demise I promised to bear
From ruin. From which I start to
Recall those times I left and ran from there:
From you.

Firesmoke lingering outside its warmth; diving
My soul into that pond so bright
With starblaze. I anticipated your appreciation-
The sole affection of poets' sight,
Which I envy.

Below me, I tread away and remember that day
When you mattered so much,
I could not stay upon your bed so close
To your breath, your insults, your touch,
Without them really.

A strange thing to encounter yourself doing,
When one is not himself at all.
But knows his own mind; for where other
Is my own mind but within ME as I fall
Back to my body.

We, as we shall be, apart no matter
How often we're together.
It shows no bounds, this fissure I've created
That girl walking away, If you'd let her,
would come back.
Nov. 4, 1999

The bowl

Grandmother calls it a basinette;
It mirrors my reflection beneath
The ornate mirror on the wall
Of the chamber I now occupy,
Until I dip my fingers into the hearth warmed
Liquid to splash my filthy skin.

This morning she added wilted ivory rose petals,
Just as her skin, and I knew to feel fear.
I dipped my fingers in the fragrant deathly garden,
Comparing her aged skin to mine.
Our herb garden has no flowers and grandmother
Never buys them.

The sun is barely seeping through my draperies,
And I strain to hear strangers' voices
In the kitchen below my creaking floorboards.
The occasional clash of pots and pans and the fragrance
Of unusual foods simmering with a mixture
Of pollen and lilies.

I grasp the basinette in a heartless embrace and tiptoe down the velvet stairs, through the front hall,
And into the great room with all of grandfather's
Mahogany.
My arms outstretched to present the wilted dampness,
To grandmother holding those same ivory roses
Over my grandfather's open coffin.
Oct. 12, 1999

Listless

Self worth is based upon them, bright eyes, grinning thoughts
He held my hand and I held on without question or loosening
He read and watched me for reactions, but none came
I was scared to admit that these thoughts were mine
Released before forethought so I couldn't push them under
He intoxicates me and confuses and describes sordid thoughts
I study the whims that he murmurs and question my own
Next he will disagree and I will transform for him
Although I believe everything I will to occur next is worthy
To where did my faith in groundwork retire?
I put forth such obscene amounts without reward
I trust he will come forth to praise the effort
Even if he does not know it is mine
Sept. 28, 1999

Unfinished

Rambling wood where he rambles next to me
I knew he wouldn't say anything about everything
That mattered-what he did choose to discuss
Floored me
Nov. 11, 99

Secret Identity Confusion

He drives home to his bat cave
So I wait for his return down the hall from his room
I guess that just makes me further from home
He can’t hear the red in my voice
So my mother calls again just to make sure
Modest thought and wonderful listless
July 28, 1999

Hunger

I'm remembering the third year
My third summer
Another third summer after the beginning
But I ponder why this should repeat
Fear of sustenance
Of myself
Of others
Especially the good ones
The kind ones who care
The kind who watch me
Dissevering their glare

pondering three

acceptable because I don't affect anyone but myself
sell my face on the market of Saturday night
hiding everything else
fake identity and fake pride
counterfeit smile to feign content
jokes to set aside
the doubt and the anger
laced with smeared mascara
and an elbow in the cheek

pondering the third
July 28, 1999

First Date

Far more interesting than my homeless heart
I'll meet you tomorrow night
I hope I like you
We'll listen to jazz
and dance with your arm around my waist
and your hand on my hip
wispering the lyrics in my ear
murmuring painful memories one day because you trust me
I hope it is not overcast
the moon will spill on us through your windshield
We'll watch star-beams on the tall grass of the field
Far more interesting than a normal monday night
Your fingers and the leaf-rustling breeze in my hair
phone call to ask my thoughts at 3:00 am on Thursday
Intriguing high hopes for the first meeting
Far more interesting than my last blind date
April 12, 1999

Convincing Lie

I don't care that you asked her
It doesn't matter that you only kiss me drunkenly
I don't mind the days I don't talk to you
Your roommate's presence doesn't bother me
I am not affected by your voice when you apologize
Your opinion is not important
I don't miss your attitude
Your arms don't feel perfect around my sleeping body
I don't believe what you tell me
I refuse to wear lipstick for you
I never wait for your call
I don't have feelings for you
April 12, 1999

A New World

I wish I was getting closer to fine
I once thought the shattering glass was vapor
searching for a wormhole in space
that connects the flashes of dimension
that contort and stifle my vision
My blood vessels seem shockingly vessels
carrying odd cargo
Would I know if I have dimples?
Shave my head, paint my face clown-like
laugh at me

Throw me on the couch, watch me writhe
I'll blow bubbles with my magic wand
they shatter on the concrete driveway
I thought I filled them full of worlds and galaxies
I guess they shatter too then
Call me a cab and I'll go next door
unbutton my cardigan and I'll kiss your lips firmly
I'll carve a design in my thigh to commemorate us
The headlights selectively blind me; I am still able to see the warm stain on the pavement
I laid out my black pants and tank-top for
the perfect memorable evening
or maybe another blind date
or a one-night stand
I'm growing found of my yuppie ghetto
And- oh God- I broke another nail
These things began before most of them got off the schoolbus
April 12, 1999

Sleepless

I've become dependent on drugs because of this chinese water torture
There is a constant drip from the faucet and a leak in the ceiling
I stay awake at night fighting uncomfortable stillness as not to wake him
He doesn't believe in insomnia and rarely believes in me
The plunk continuous in the bottom of the bucket draws my mind from his scrutiny though
As I lay motionless, his arms stifle my movement
As I ponder calculus homework, his eyes stifle my thought
The falling water drops keep me company less selfishly than him
I look forward to a glass of water, two capsules and the familiar drip
I long for sleep that will not visit my body because of racing thought and his grip
He keeps the apartment cold so I am dependent on his warmth
Maybe he knows that my dependence goes no further than the drugs when he rolls over
Away from his problems, away from his fears, away from the faucet, away from me
April 12, 1999