Visiting Daddy

Next week I think I'm coming home
No decision made yet, you know I can never make up my mind.
My presence doesn't affect you, and that bothers me.
Ask me to come home, tell me you miss me.
My duffle bag packed, and my shoes tied,
just in case you drive me away.
I doubt you care that much. Hate is not worse than apathy.
It won't matter someday, once I am apathetic,
but now homecoming occupies my thoughts.
She wouldn't approve. You never have.
Between the two, seeking acceptance, wanting consent.
Maybe when my afternoon class is over,
I'll take the long way to look
at the front porch where i used to swing.
If you are there, will you beckon to me to join you?
I'll probably stay here so I will never have to discover
whether you would raise your hand to wave me over.
July 30, 1998

Runway Runaway

She jumps at the chance
to present her face to the crowd
her body hardly covered
although revealing, she's proud
watching from the audience
the girl envies her big sister
but she's always gone on the road
the girl can't help but miss her
she will follow in the footsteps
already set by her kin
loving attention,
but violated within
if big sister had known
what would follow that audition
bring her weight and heart down
force her into submission
she would never have left
in seek of great fame
now her sister is trapped
and she has herself to blame.
July 30, 1998

New

All summer long I reveled in my well-thought new heart
not sure of your intention but I wanted the truth
I trust this lack of confidence as I trust you
This is how things begin.

Without anyone, I feel lost. Maybe just lonely.
Distraction good enough for awhile
Now distracted from my distraction, my heart confused.
Bring me back to that place of freedom and trust.
Naivete.
July 30, 1998

Morning Before Work

Rusty showerhead pouring liquid over my frame,
Singing while restless soul rinses away.
Pull back the mildewed curtain; press your lips to mine.
Powerful shadows follow your decay.
Green walls of the downtown apartment shadowed by you.
Please peel away your walls like the paint
peeling on mine litters the brown burbur
Cotton towel hides my body from your modest glance
barefoot tread toward you in your worn armchair
curl myself in the beam of pale morning light which shines
on your lap through faded draperies
Envisioning our future, devoid of well-worn fibers
Late for work, ignoring the time, cherishing your cheap cologne,
loving you although your aspiration has lost stimulation.
July 24, 1998

Absence

Where are you?
I trusted that you would be home an hour ago
they did too
at four ones, my desire is to hear your voice
this is the forty-eighth only because you have one in the middle
which i ask you to possess,
send me a copy and a note if you don't call
why am i anticipating the phone's ring or a knock on my door?
news of her lately promising
tell me about her, tell me about yourself
longing for your voice, i script my thoughts
listening to the melody, i yearn for yours
the guitar in suspense lonely on the bed
my state of mind misses you, and i want you with me
July 17, 1998

Without Them

Forever tripping over the remains
the result and destination appear quicker
when nothing blocks the trail along the ravine
prayer for written word
the list has already been created
absent of the name sought
glance again to make sure because sight
may have been insufficient
not before loneliness without previous company
sets in
they traverse the winding chasm
loneliness with present company
realization of comfort right here alone
sets in
they are unnecessary
July 16, 1998

Lyrics

You are worth my time
and my worry
i have decided
i do not know if i am worth yours
you consume my thoughts regardless
my car is broken down on the shoulder
of the highway
i would rather rest on your shoulder
but you are not with me
leaning my head back,
i envision your visage
your smile,
and bob of your head when happy
sitting in the car
i imagine you in the hallway
on the floor
playing for me
your lyrics fill my head
i want to hear your music also
i turn the radio dial
but it is silent unlike my
dreams of us
July 15, 1998