First Date

Far more interesting than my homeless heart
I'll meet you tomorrow night
I hope I like you
We'll listen to jazz
and dance with your arm around my waist
and your hand on my hip
wispering the lyrics in my ear
murmuring painful memories one day because you trust me
I hope it is not overcast
the moon will spill on us through your windshield
We'll watch star-beams on the tall grass of the field
Far more interesting than a normal monday night
Your fingers and the leaf-rustling breeze in my hair
phone call to ask my thoughts at 3:00 am on Thursday
Intriguing high hopes for the first meeting
Far more interesting than my last blind date
April 12, 1999

Convincing Lie

I don't care that you asked her
It doesn't matter that you only kiss me drunkenly
I don't mind the days I don't talk to you
Your roommate's presence doesn't bother me
I am not affected by your voice when you apologize
Your opinion is not important
I don't miss your attitude
Your arms don't feel perfect around my sleeping body
I don't believe what you tell me
I refuse to wear lipstick for you
I never wait for your call
I don't have feelings for you
April 12, 1999

A New World

I wish I was getting closer to fine
I once thought the shattering glass was vapor
searching for a wormhole in space
that connects the flashes of dimension
that contort and stifle my vision
My blood vessels seem shockingly vessels
carrying odd cargo
Would I know if I have dimples?
Shave my head, paint my face clown-like
laugh at me

Throw me on the couch, watch me writhe
I'll blow bubbles with my magic wand
they shatter on the concrete driveway
I thought I filled them full of worlds and galaxies
I guess they shatter too then
Call me a cab and I'll go next door
unbutton my cardigan and I'll kiss your lips firmly
I'll carve a design in my thigh to commemorate us
The headlights selectively blind me; I am still able to see the warm stain on the pavement
I laid out my black pants and tank-top for
the perfect memorable evening
or maybe another blind date
or a one-night stand
I'm growing found of my yuppie ghetto
And- oh God- I broke another nail
These things began before most of them got off the schoolbus
April 12, 1999

Sleepless

I've become dependent on drugs because of this chinese water torture
There is a constant drip from the faucet and a leak in the ceiling
I stay awake at night fighting uncomfortable stillness as not to wake him
He doesn't believe in insomnia and rarely believes in me
The plunk continuous in the bottom of the bucket draws my mind from his scrutiny though
As I lay motionless, his arms stifle my movement
As I ponder calculus homework, his eyes stifle my thought
The falling water drops keep me company less selfishly than him
I look forward to a glass of water, two capsules and the familiar drip
I long for sleep that will not visit my body because of racing thought and his grip
He keeps the apartment cold so I am dependent on his warmth
Maybe he knows that my dependence goes no further than the drugs when he rolls over
Away from his problems, away from his fears, away from the faucet, away from me
April 12, 1999

Relief

Morbid, I ache
and still I feign peace
Widow of Hunger
my plight for perfection
distant presence to my heart
yet not my strength, or mind
yearns, gaging my will, but
I will wait, I will provide
myself answers
though still I wonder
certain I will not convince;
But you must. When again
joining my presence, no longer
distant. Truths your heart
tells mine openly. Intriguing
deeper questions from...
Aug 25, 1998

Goodbye.

my body feels this strange warmth right now...
the kind you feel when you know someone is staring at you
even though i know you aren't behind me
this calm has come over me
as if i could burst and everything would just gush out
but maybe that can't happen without an audience...
why would one cry except because someone is watching?
that's how i feel sometimes...
as if it would be a waste to show emotion
to no one
i think i'm sinking into the cushion of my chair
i can't feel anything around me anymore except this chair
and my heartbeat
detached and restless, not like this calm cradling me
i hope i break simply to wash you away
dammit. why don't i want to release you?
this is my dead end where you left me
Aug 21, 1998

How Could You Ask Me That?

i just woke up to the smell of you
although i found nothing with your scent
it haunts my nights because i wish
i was holding you

despite the fact that it is 3:29 am
and exhaustion is fighting my senses,
it is overcome by thoughts of tomorrow,
missing you, the empty room down the hall,
and your warm lips

seeing you was my reason to get out
of bed every morning
and this morning, i am afraid because
waking up will mean you are leaving me

strange how i dread the very hour i look
forward to because i will hold you again
knowing it is closer to the end
i pray that it is also a beginning

you have been so much more to me than
a boyfriend or lover or soulmate
you have become my best friend
and i will always love you for that as much
or more than i love you because you are part of me

i don't know how to say goodbye to you
i don't believe (or don't want to believe)
that it will be goodbye, but rather,
a physical separation that cannot keep me from your warmth.

your song touched me much like all of your songs do
and much like your fingertips and lips do
thank you for us-- what we were and what we will be
i will never forget, i will never regret, and i will
never lose that piece of you
Aug 14, 1998