Breakwater

Sometimes I hate her; I wish her away
Just too much to drink, but that's that
And I'm already on my way
Back to my prison where she keeps me
With funds and hopes without
Regard for genius in the family
There can't be two. I think about
All my aspirations, to accomplish but
Where is the line drawn between
Mine and theirs? Worn out, drawn out
Kicked out. No one on which to lean.
What can I kick on my floor tonight?
I'm too tired tonight, Christmas, to put up a fight.
Dec. 26, 1999

Faces

Are they all avoiding controversy just as I seek it?
Do those taking medicines for their fears of others
Want to offer me some so I'll break away?
I chose to surround myself with more like you.
I need them to be me. Wondering where I hope to
Attend the new lives I've created for each of you.
Tomorrow your nose will be different,
Tomorrow
Your father will create a new you because you haven't
Done it yet. Faced with a choice, would you make
This one? With no choice, I know I would. Your
School picture stares happily, blankly at my face as
I type, and I visualize the new you, the improved you,
As I wish I could improve myself. The easy way out.
This is as everything is. Money and opportunity. Never
Inspiration or drive, you don't need those things to
Become better between everyone crowded around.
What will they believe at school? What do you want
Them to believe, and how can I follow?
Dec. 17, 1999

Empty Suitcase

I'm suffocating as I'm sitting here
And she just walked upstairs to find
You because you called to her.
I want you to call to me and not
Leave the country or my heart
Behind because a part of me
Really likes the dislocating spiral
Your desperate, deliberate, difficulty
Sent me down. Without warning
And after denial and before I
Could disagree or displace it all
And now its gone anyway. I felt
It last night, and the day before.
Usually that's what happens when
There was nothing there to begin with
Except for lust and loneliness.
Dec. 15, 99

8:00 Wed. Evening

Battered brain lumbers to auditorium A
Social constructions and missed rendezvous
Mixed because my head is separating terms
20 hours depleted by food and the telephone
never enough. 42 hours without
depletion
insanity. True, the point of surrender
drops quickly
Dec. 8, 1999

Semester

Dave Matthews disrupts the quiet
Which is necessary to study, much like avoiding a kiss
My mind is frantic like a riot
Because I want to stay with you and reduce our abyss
The snow covers all of the barren trees
And I will miss you during more snows, delayed until June
I feel a shudder in my knees
Holding on, lengthening this short night, knowing that soon
Your life will form crystal
Shining in a new life with new classes and new people in a London bar
You've cocked the hammer of a pistol
To temporarily wound the life with Preoccupations over which your heart has brooded
Now there is too little time, I've concluded.
Dec. 7, 1999

Another Party

You broke your foot instead of the radiator.
Maybe you fractured your pride also.
Throwing punches at the wall or innocents.
Phone calls from her to you, or you to me.
I'm cold for a purpose. Don't feign misunderstanding.
The social situation always claims you.
Nov. 11, 99

Outerwear

I found her in the hall closet
Of my sorority where she was
Abandoned-probably because
She is unattractive, but she
Is reversible.

She still reminded me of stale
Beer and cloves-I knew she
wouldn't mind more. She
Guarded me to Canada and
The Pub with the big dumpster
Outside.

Really I hoped no one wanted
Her because I wanted her
Warmth on the walk home. And
Because she would sit alone,
Saving my seat.

I don't let her in my room
With her strengthened beer
And cigarette stench and
The strange mixture of cologne
With vomit-I had to help
Him home-he was sick.

She even has a hood; when
It becomes colder I'm sure
I'll appreciate her without
Wondering who will notice that
She is green and blue. I'm
Jealous of her loyalty.
Nov. 11, 99