Liquid Confidence

Something weird on the table
What it is I can’t discern
Drinking to feel more confident
Wipe away lonely concern
Some people sit one side of the booth
Facing me to make me squirm
Take another, tip it back
Almost too heavy, I’ll never learn
October 28, 2002

Judgment

Stupid bitch, two chins and pockmarked
Wearing a man’s t-shirt
Don’t stare at me because I’m drinking
Alone—it probably took you 3 years to
Make your 2 friends
Take that to-go box and waddle your
Rude way out of here
You’re just jealous that I have the
“confidence” to go on a date by myself
October 26, 2002

Just to be There

Travelodge covers the lampshades
In plastic
My mother calls after bedtime to make
Sure I’ll survive
Someone hurt me and that hurts her
That in itself gives me reason never
To procreate
She deserves mad props for putting
Up with me
Let alone this level of devotion and love
I can’t imagine many others are capable,
Including me
She wants me home to comfort her
Little girl
But I’m here writing under the light of
Plasticized lampshades

October 19, 02

Overreacting Jealousy

Too many of them make you uncomfortable
-- my poems

too many situations make me sob
I don’t want to drive my car into any
More ditches and
I don’t want to leave you
Behind again
Michelob ultra should benefit
Me in more ways than one
But last time you just hated me
Facile and sexualized solution
When all I want is devotion

You just can’t take them
Too seriously
-- my poems

October 18, 02

Before the Marine Corps

My elbow on your chest
Legs intertwined
Splash of wheels going by
Set back with brazen relief
Hum of the computer and
Whir of my cell phone charging
The battery died an hour ago
The days I don’t drink I down
A yellow pill
Saccharine with medicinal
Value, you are my high
I would give you Tums and
A sleeping pill to keep you longer
A slant of carlight slides off my
Fingernails to your chest
Run away again
October 18, 2002

Resolution

I can’t write shit
What if these words cause
More harm than good?
Harmless release and expression
Stokes the fire that engulfs resolution
Fuck politically correct
Forget best wishes
I mean it, truthful wish for
Your happiness
But dammit
Don’t belittle mine
I wanted “closure” and here it is
But now I second guess
My poetry

October 17, 02

With Benefits

I feel like I deal with
Backlash everyday
You amaze me with reality
And punctuality
I appreciate the outgoing lengths
With which you visit me
I will thank you
With my body and occasionally
My mind
I need to be sure
More than you need me
I want that feeling
Moaning forgiveness
At least we both benefit

October 8, 02

Hotels

There is a beautiful wasteland
Outside my motel window
Rolling hills of construction
Haven’t charged my cell in 3 days
Yet you still leave me voicemail
One more frat and plenty of offers
Long distance definitely doesn’t
Connotate this situation
Too bad I love you so much
Too bad I want you here
Instead of any of them
Mean jokes and everyone says I’m a bitch
Was I this hard to get along with before you?
I make them dislike me for an excuse
But I want universal acceptance
Too bad I don’t love them

October 4, 02

Pop Culture

I want to improve the situation, but
You’re like I stepped in some shit
I can’t get off my shoe
Every time I hear a
Knock, you haunt me
I keep my drapes drawn
My volumes low
Hours of repetitive
MTV
Gotta get by
You are just my friend
Forgive me because I
Did this again

October 2, 02

Commonplace Dream

I long for banal schedule
Void of fraternal debauchery that
Eternally internalizes true relations
He benumbs any seismic situation
To spare my feelings
As I wade through dismal withdrawal
From knight-on-white-horse fantasy
I allow my delusion to fade
How I degenerate, how I long
How I let it all go to live this life
Of stimulation

October 1, 02